


in whatever way

by orphan_account



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2009 Phan, Asexual!Phil, Asexuality, Asexuality Spectrum, First Meeting, M/M, Questioning Sexuality, also this is basically just a projection of my own feelings so beware, basically the same as it is except phil is aspec, demiromantic...?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-21
Updated: 2019-09-21
Packaged: 2020-10-25 15:05:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,530
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20726186
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: It's 2009, and Phil's been talking to Dan online for months.  They're ready to meet, but Phil's nervous.this was written for the pff bingo 2019 for the prompts Asexuality, 2009, and Dailybooth.





	in whatever way

**Author's Note:**

> this is basically an au where everything's the same except phil's asexual and grey/demiromantic. if any portrayals of phil's sexuality in this are percieved badly to you, please tell me. i don't want to be rude to the aspec community. most of phil's feelings in this story are taken from my own as an aspec person.
> 
> i of course do not claim to know what dan and phil's actual relationship at this time or now is. this is purely for my own enjoyment and the fan community. i hope you enjoy reading this; if you do it would mean the world if you left a kudo or comment down below.
> 
> you can follow me on tumblr @iamalwaysclowning :)

Phil’s never worried too much about his sexuality. He’s always figured that he’ll know when he likes people, and otherwise, what is there to worry about? It’s a good idea, seemingly foolproof until now.

Suddenly, the whole world wants to know if Phil’s in a relationship, and if so, whether it’s with a boy or a girl, and who exactly he’s attracted to after all, or at least it seems like the whole world. People ask him things, and Phil knows they mean well, most of them anyway, but though he wishes he could just tell them and be done with it, Phil has no idea what the answer to their questions are.

When he tells that to people, though, they never seem to understand. They’ll narrow their eyes, looking awkward and utterly uncomprehending. Phil will try to explain more, but it only seems to make people more confused. It’s strange and annoying how Phil can be so great at talking about himself on camera, great enough to get a whole lot of followers, but whenever he tries to actually explain his feelings in real life, he can’t seem to talk well at all.

He’s tried saying that maybe he’s just not attracted to anyone, but while that’s simple at least, it seems to only confuse people more. _ Not anyone? _ they say. _ You know I don’t care if you’re gay, right? _ Yes, Phil knows. He would probably appreciate it a lot if he was gay, but as it is, he’d care a lot more if they wouldn’t ask.

The truth is, Phil doesn’t know if he experiences attraction. He’s just as confused at the idea of attraction as other people are about not having it. He’s even tried asking his friends what crushes feel like, trying to compare them with his own feelings like they’re symptoms on WebMD, but like WebMD, he only ends up more confused and increasingly nervous about everything that could be wrong with him.

So he just ignores it. If he really wants a relationship, he’d probably know, right? But for now, just as he’s always been, Phil’s fine with just being friends and more than fine with not having sex. Sex, he understands even less than relationships. Phil at least understands the idea of wanting to be close with people, he just doesn’t get the kissing. Or the sex. Or the whole relationship-ness of it all.

And then, hitting Phil in the face like a baseball he didn’t know how to catch, comes Dan. When Phil first becomes friends with him, just talking on the internet, he doesn’t have any other motives. And then he and Dan become better friends, and then better friends, and soon they’re skyping every night, and even though they’ve never met, Phil thinks he knows Dan better than anyone else. They fall asleep skyping, leaving messages for the other one to see when they wake up, and when Dan tells him he looks cute, it doesn’t seem that off from their usual routine. Phil says he looks cuter, and his cheeks feel hot when Dan smiles at the compliment. For the first time, Phil finds himself grateful for the terrible quality of the calls.

Soon, though, the flirting (if you could call it flirting) becomes normal, just another part of the slightly unconventional friendship that he and Dan hold. Phil puts his questions and his feelings and his thoughts about it in the folder with worrying about sexuality, and buries it deep down like his friends say they do with their porn folders. Porn may be something Phil will never understand, but the concept of hiding, he gets all too well.

When Dan first breaches the topic of meeting, Phil freaks out a bit. Flirting, being as close as they are, it’s all fine over the internet. It’s all safe. Nothing can really happen. But meeting each other, actually being in person, makes Phil nervous. He’s not sure what he’d say if Dan actually wanted to be together. He’s more sure about sex; Phil still is sure he has no interest in that. But some of the things that the websites about crushes and feelings have mentioned don’t seem all that different from the kinds of things Phil imagines him and Dan doing. Like hanging out together, just the two of them, talking or playing video games or just _ being _together, and maybe even sleeping, not sex, but simply being in a space alone, together.

With Dan, that sounds perfect. With anyone else, Phil would rather stop at the video games.

And so, despite Phil’s nerves, he says yes to meeting up, and he says that he’s excited for it, and he says that his parents will be out of town in October. And then he wishes he never said that, because it sounds far too much like _ “my parents aren’t home,” _and only serves to remind him that Dan doesn’t know he’s asexual. He’s accepted that he’s ace now, to himself anyways, after reading pages upon pages of web results about sexuality and then deleting it all from his search history.

Phil knows that he should just tell him, and that chances are nothing will go wrong -- it’s 2009, after all, and as far as Phil knows, Dan’s at least attracted to men in some way. But Phil’s still nervous, and the idea of coming out over a skype call or while texting makes him even more so, and so that idea ends up in his folder with everything else relating to it.

And then the day arrives. Phil finds himself practically shaking as he changes his shirt more times than he can count, trying to convince himself it’ll be fine as he paces his room. Dan will be in his house in approximately three hours, and Phil can’t even figure out whether he likes him romantically or not, or whether he’ll feel the same in person. By the time he gets to the train station, twenty minutes before Dan’s supposed to get in, Phil feels about ready to throw up. His phone dings in his pocket.

It’s Dan. _ almost there!!!, _ the text reads, complete with three exclamation points, and despite everything, Phil can’t help but smile at Dan’s happiness. _ Almost there. _ With there meaning here, meaning Dan’s almost _ here _.

And just like that, Phil’s pacing again.

He manages to at least look more calm as the time ticks by, getting ever closer to when Dan’s meant to arrive, standing still instead of walking around, smiling a bit. His hands, though, fidget terribly by his sides, and he watches the train time table with what almost counts as a glare, unable to pull his eyes away. Dan would be arriving in 3 minutes. Two minutes. Three minutes again. Then suddenly: arrived.

Dan is in the station, and Phil is in the station too, and they will be meeting in a matter of minutes or less, and Phil is this close to having a goddamn panic attack. What an auspicious beginning.

As he stands in the station, scanning every face for the one he’s seen on skype for hours and hours, but never in 3D, Phil rehearses what he’ll say. What he’ll do. How he’ll remain calm.

At first, he’s not sure it’s him. It almost seems like a fantasy, like Phil would never actually meet Dan, like this whole thing is too impossible to be real. But Phil spots the hair, falling all in front of the boy’s eyes, and then the other features. Dan looks nervous, almost as nervous as Phil has been all day, and when Phil spots him, all he can do is smile and smile and smile. He waves at Dan, and when Dan spots him as he scans the crowd, Phil can see his face light up too, so happy to be meeting Phil at last.

They run towards each other then, not bothering to act composed anymore, falling into a hug when they reach the other. Dan is smaller than Phil, and warm, and when Phil hugs him he’s certain that in person nothing has changed. In whatever way, in whatever form, in whatever world, Phil will love Dan. Forever and ever and ever.

\-----------------

“I’m asexual, by the way,” Phil says later that night, rushed and stumbling over words, as they lie together on his bed, breathing the same patterns. “And kind of aromantic too.”

“Okay,” Dan says, and Phil can’t believe that was it, that he’s come out and it was that easy and simple. “I’m gay. Or at least, I think I am.”

Phil smiles in the darkness, reaching for Dan’s hand. His next words are rushed too, and the adrenaline that comes with them makes his heart pound. “I love you.”

Dan rolls over in the bed so that they’re shoved against each other. Phil can feel Dan’s heart, and he knows Dan can feel his too. How fast it’s beating, how loud. Dan’s voice is soft and mumbly as he answers, his head against Phil’s chest. “I love you too.”

_ In whatever way, in whatever form, in whatever world, Dan, I will love you. Forever and ever and ever. _


End file.
